Something just for fun

All my blogs are so serious! It's time for something fun and mindless. And I'm at work- so deep blog thinking is discouraged. I stole this from Renee
i am: at work.
i think: about the future too much.

i know: what I would like for that future.
i want: to not do the things that I preach against!
i have: everything I could ever need. Along with some things that I just want. God is good.
i wish: I could express feelings in a way that didn't seem clingy or awkward.
i hate: mood swings. Namely, my own.

i miss: ...you know who you are.

i fear: being too overwhelming for people.
i feel: strongly. About everything, almost.
i hear: Little Shop of Horrors.
i crave: something.
i search: consistently, for everything.
i wonder: what I will be when I grow up.
i regret: past relationships.

i love: my friends. Seriously.

i ache: when I don't understand things.
i care: about what certain people think of me... way too much.
i always: take a shower before I go somewhere. Sometimes I will take another shower if I'm going somewhere else.

i am not: scatterbrained. I just have a lot on my plate. So there.
i believe: that even if the Bible was a myth, it would be the best way to live. No doubt.
i sing: praises. Now more than I have in a long time.
i don’t always: trust God like I should.

i fight: with myself.
i lose: to myself.
i never: mean to be annoying.
i can usually be found: agonizing over something new instead of turning it over to Him.

i need: a savior.
i am happy about: the blessings I have that I don't deserve in any way. The way that God's plan just keeps unfolding. How He doesn't remember my past. Can I keep going?

I fear snakes too, Renee. Just thought I would throw that in there. Sometimes when I think about them I get woozy.

Experiences

I think it's time to broach the subject of the past. I try to keep my outlook pretty positive on this blog, but sometimes some deep soul searching and some hard truths are just necessary for learning.
I really like experiences. I like trying new things- daring things. Stupid things, sometimes. My general response is, "I just wanted to say that I have done it." As a result, I've been places and done things that, frankly, I regret.
I think experience is an idol of mine. I feel like my life has just got to be exciting or I'll just blow up inside. So I went searching for an exciting life experience on my own. "I'll just dip my hand in this, so I can say I've done it." "I'll go to this place by myself- because I can." In the past couple years, I've exercised a lot of free will.
The real kicker is that it just didn't fill me up. I thought that I could live an adventure on my own, and it really just made me depressed.
Sometimes I speak words of wisdom that I quickly forget and just don't use them in my own life. Once, I was talking to a good friend about celebrities and all the good things they like to do with their money. I mentioned Brangelina and how they consistently take trips to third world countries- that they are passionate about it. That's fantastic. I'm glad that people like them exist in the world. But what I said then I should have taken into deeper consideration and applied in my own life: What they're doing, it's all mortal. They're feeding, clothing, housing their bodies. I'm sure it's exciting to get to do that for those who cannot do it for themselves. How much more exciting is it to do good things in the name of God? We can feed, clothe, and house their bodies, yes; but what we do is immortal. Because when we serve their mortal bodies, we should also be feeding their spirits. What we do for them will extend beyond this life and reach into eternity.
How exciting can you get? Everything we do leaves a mark in heaven (or it should, at any rate). It makes everything else that we try to do for excitement pale in comparison.
I wish I would have taken my own words to heart a little sooner, but I know that He has amazing things ahead for me that I'm not even imagining. And I'm learning that the more I let go of the experiences I had planned for myself, the more He heaps on new opportunities to serve, lead, and fight for Him.

Change through Fighting

I always think that it's funny when girls say they expect guys to treat them like a princess. I guess that's ok, and there's a certain part of me that wants that- the flowers, the opening of doors, sweet caring words or songs sung to me. It's nice to know that you're cared for.
At the same time, I've never really been one to love "chick-flicks." I really connect more with action and horror films. I don't like the weepy girl eating ice cream in pajamas waiting for her prince to come. I like Angelina Jolie's character in "Wanted." I'd rather not be a Bridget Jones. I'd like to be a Laura Croft.
I think, sometimes, Christian girls sacrifice the warrior in them in order to not look like they are trying to take a man's place. We're scared to death of being feminists. As if the word itself had something wrong with it. As if thinking that we really can "do ALL things through Christ who strengthens" us will cause us to be unattractive to the opposite sex. Who needs men to subjugate us? We do it ourselves.
I love to think of myself as a warrior more than a princess. After all, the armor of God is for all of us, isn't it? I don't see gender-specific armor in that passage. There are so many examples of strong, warrior-like women in the Bible and throughout our Chrisitan heritage- women who died for what they believed. They are heros.
Mary was one of those warrior-women. All within the first 46 years of her life she was betrothed, impregnated by God himself, ran the risk of being stoned to death for adultery, took a days-long journey at full-term, raised God himself, and watched at the foot of the cross while He suffered, never opening her mouth to stop it because she knew what he came to do. What a woman of strength, courage, devotion, and, well, spunk!
I don't want to be the woman hiding in the shadows while my husband fights for me. I want to be the woman on the front line side-by-side with him- kicking demonic tail.

Sometimes Stereotypical is Needed

You know how alot of times we Christians look down on those "overused" verses? Or feel like if you out and out say that something is out for you, you're being ridiculous or too "spiritual?" Am I alone in this?
Well right now I am under attack. And I don't mean, "Well that's just the way life goes sometimes" attack. I mean eerily specific attacks. I have publicly made the decision to be more intentional with my faith. To stop concentrating on other things more than I concentrate on God. I talked about money- I don't think I particularly want to share the other things at this moment. So what happens? I have found that on every side, on every turn there is a temptation, distraction, or just out and out ATTACK on these areas of my life. It's frustrating and scary. And it's sometimes hard to apply my newfound resolve- I start to fall back into the same traps.
I think, at this moment, I could really use just some over-used, stereotypical verses. You know, some John 3:16 and Philipians 4:13. I need some basics and, with them, some childlike faith that these things are purposeful.
Right now, though... I just kind of want to cry.

Change through Love Languages Part 1

I was on lifeway.com today and saw an article titled, "Do You Speak Your Mate's Language?" (I would suggest reading the article first, here it is: http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/article_main_page/0%2C1703%2CA%25253D166757%252526M%25253D200740%2C00.html . It's pretty cool.) I was struck by the parallels that God has intentionally made between the relationship of husband and wife and the relationship he desires with us. For the purposes of this blog, I'm going to narrow the discussion down to the five love languages.

Words of Affirmation

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
Isaiah 43:1

Quality Time

After dismissing the crowds, he went up on a hillside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.
Matthew 14:23

Now it was in those days that Jesus went to a mountain to pray, and he spent the whole night in prayer to God.
Luke 6:12

But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray.
Luke 5:16

Physical Touch

And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.
Mark 10:16

When the sun was setting, the people rought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them.
Luke 4:40

When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them..."Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet."
Luke 7:37-38, 44-46

Change through Focus

Psalm 119:12-16

12 Blessed are You, O LORD; Teach me Your statutes.
13 With my lips I have told of All the ordinances of Your mouth.
14 I have rejoiced in the way of Your testimonies, As much as in all riches.
15 I will meditate on Your precepts And regardYour ways.
16 I shall delight in Your statutes; I shall not forget Your word.


I locked my keys in my car Sunday. Jordan came back to St. Louis and unlocked it for me on Monday. Tuesday, I locked them in my car again.
I like to joke with him that it's his fault that I do it. I had never locked my keys in my car before we started dating and since then I've done it at least 4 or 5 times- but as much as I'd like to say that my head is in the clouds all the time because of him... our relationship is really a bit more grounded than that.
So yesterday on my hour-long walk from the Ballas post office to Mobap to catch a ride, I found myself just quietly listening for God's opinion on this matter. What has gotten me so distracted that I can't even remember to take my keys out of my ignition?
I must have walked in silence for thirty minutes before I was about to explode with all the questions. I think, looking back, that maybe God waited so long to weigh in because He misses spending time with me and knew that if He just put it off, I would spend a little more time with Him. That makes me sad, knowing that I ignore him like that a lot. Finally, though, we came to this conclusion.
I think about money. A lot.
Now, I'm not talking about rolling in it. I'm not an extravagant person- I drive a ten year old car and am very happy with it and am about to downgrade to a tiny apartment that I'm incredibly excited about. I just mean that I'm incredibly concerned about living week to week. I am poor. Destitute, even. And I think about it. All. The. Time.
People generally think about idols as something that you love, but I'm starting to believe that it has a lot more to do with what you trust. I realized yesterday that when I got out of my car- I was thinking about money. I daresay it was probably the same on Sunday. In fact, I think about money far more than I think about God.
So on my long long walk yesterday, I gave my money situation to God. I will work hard and try to be a good steward and trust that whatever happens, happens and it's all within His plan and His will. And when I begin to think about money, I am going to immediately meditate on God's word and His ultimate design.
Of course, immediately after I got home, my mom called me to alert me that I had an overdraft. Nothing ever comes easy. But I do have a peace about it. That, literally, passes all understanding.

Change through Listening

So, taking a look back on the last scripture as well as some events that have unfolded today, I want to comment further on talents.

So many times I look at what God has given me and just run with it. I do everything that I can with the talents I have been given because life is short, right?

The problem is that now I am too busy to even pause to ask God what He wants me to do with these talents. I think that it's common sense: I have a little bit of time, I can cram this show in and then a job and another show and some classes... Until now I don't have time to be anything other than mediocre at anything.

I went to Centrifuge a couple years ago, and felt so convicted about my hectic lifestyle that, for the first time in my life, I didn't audition for a show that I absolutely had time for. I thought I would be disappointed. I wasn't. And to this day, I don't regret that time off that I took. Because, oddly enough, it was during that time that I changed my major to musical theatre- one of the riskier, but perhaps best decisions I've ever made.

Now, though, I'm falling back into the trap of busy-ness. The lie that my talents are absolutely needed everywhere that I can fit them. Whatever did St. Louis do before I moved here? How pompous of me.

Today I got a revised work schedule from Stages. Usually, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I didn't have any room to move anything around! And it was then that I really believe God whispered in my ear, "You swore you wouldn't be this busy this summer. This was our time." It makes me want to weep even as I type it.

The more I cram into my day, the more likely it is that I will disappoint people and put myself on the black list in theater in this area. God knows this, has known it all along. But I am selfish with my talents- and I rarely want to listen when ANYONE tells me how to use them.

Lord, help me to not be so obsessed and self-important. Teach me to not find my self-worth in all the things I do, but in all the things you've done for me.