I rely on other human beings way too much. I expect to much out of other people. I get my self worth from the praise and attention of others.
And this is my biggest failing.
The majority of my life has been spent around fellow Christians who have always looked out for me. Being the daughter of a preacher and someone who was heavily involved in the church definitely had its perks. For the first eight years of my life I was doted on by a youth group at Victory Outreach in Iuka, and then for another nine years I was safe at Orchardville. In those situations, it's so easy to get the positive feedback you're looking for from human beings.
When I moved to St. Louis I quickly learned something very important:
Human beings? Yeah, they fail.
It's true, right? We're all just failures that God has redeemed. I know that this is true in me, so why would I not realize that it's true in others as well?
I'm in the process (and maybe always will be in the process) of trusting in Jesus for my self worth. I think it's an important lesson that everyone needs to learn.
I see this a lot with girls and the opposite sex. We are so consumed with the image that we put off to them that we forget: Jesus thought so much of us that he died for us. That he, literally, loves to talk to us. Can't wait to hear what we have to say. He thinks we're beautiful when we wake up in the morning and the makeup that we spent twenty minutes applying last night is smeared across our face, the hair spray that once held perfect curls now holds matted up tangles, and the remnants of last night's perfect dinner date now lingers on our breath like last week's garbage.
After that mental picture, how can we help but wonder at the love of our saviour?
Monday, August 10, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Loopholes
I am a terrible blogger, but I wanted to share something that I wrote, actually, two years ago. I have several new friends on here now that I thought would find this interesting. :)
From Saturday, September 15, 2007:
A couple months ago I received a letter from the Secretary of State telling me that since I had two tickets and I was under 21, my license was suspended for three months. I thought about how unfair this was since, compared to other people, I had done little to nothing wrong. I mean, I have knows sixteen year olds who drink and drive, get in wrecks and are still on the roads today.
My family and I tried every loophole we and others around us could begin to imagine. We called the DMV's in both Illinois and Missouri, we tried to change my residency, we called our senators- all to no avail.
The whole situation just seemed so hopeless, I finally just gave in and decided to stop fighting it. It was a losing battle. Illinois Vehicle Code 11-601(b) clearly states, "No person may drive a vehicle upon any highway of this State at a speed which is greater than the applicable statutory maximum speed limit." I mean, I definitely went 15 miles per hour over the speed limit both times I was pulled over, even though the second time was a definite and unfortunate mistake. That didn't really matter to the state. There isn't a clause called Illinois Vehicle Code 11-601(b.1) that says that this law is only applicable if the person was malicious in their actions. No doubt about it, I was caught and I was hopelessly stranded in my apartment without my license.
At that moment, my friends seemed to just come out of the woodwork. For over a month I never had to worry about how I would get to work or whether or not I would be able to get groceries. I only needed to call someone and they would be there.
Finally, when a close friend came to pick me up from work one day, I sat down in their car and began to cry. I told him that I had finally completely realized that I can't get anywhere on my own. If they didn't come get me, I would be stuck in the same place. But worse than that, I realized that I would never be able to pay them back. They had not only sacrificed gas to take me places, but their time and their energy that could be used in ways that would be much more productive to them. I could never give that back to them.
Once, I received a letter that told me that I was going to die. For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the law, deceived me, and through the law, put me to death (Romans 7:11). This, I believed, was completely unfair. I had, after all, done few things really wrong in my entire life. Compared to others, I was a saint. All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away (Isaiah 64:6). Starting this year, I tried every single loophole, even trying to deny God's existence, just to get away from the fact that I would have to answer for breaking this law. Unfortunately for me, denying that God exists doesn't mean that he disappears, and the law still stands. ...but you must not eat from the tree of the knowlege of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die (Genesis 2:17). There's no clause in the Garden of Eden. God offered no statement to comfort those of us who would use our own intentions as a crutch to limp into heaven. I was caught in a hopeless spiral of my sin and I couldn't pull myself out.
Funny thing about Jesus: he has no need to find a loophole in the law. I'm reminded of the movie "The Passion of the Christ" when Jesus is laying on the ground, the cross only a few feet away from Him, when He, with what little strength He can muster, crawls to it and lays Himself down on it. I also see Aslan, climbing the staircase to the Great Stone Table, where a witch with a dagger stands waiting for him. Jesus doens't find a loophole, but lays Himself down on the cross to pay the price for my sin.
If Jesus hadn't crawled those few feet, if He hadn't walked that staircase, I wouldn't be able to get anywhere. I would be stuck in the same place, trying to drag myself out of a blackhole of sin that would lead me straight back to death. And I can't ever pay him back. And, yet, he doesn't expect me to. He died knowing that I would fail and I would fall. He died knowing that I was much like Gomer, Hosea's wife, and that I would not only cheat on Him, but despise the price that He paid because I would always be indebted to Him. He died knowing that this summer I would deny him many more times than three. Even today, he calls out, "Kasey Bartley, daughter of Eve, do you love me?"
Yes, Lord. You know that I love you.
I will declare it from every rooftop. My Lord redeems. My Lord is my hope, salvation, love, peace, brother, father, lover, friend.
From Saturday, September 15, 2007:
A couple months ago I received a letter from the Secretary of State telling me that since I had two tickets and I was under 21, my license was suspended for three months. I thought about how unfair this was since, compared to other people, I had done little to nothing wrong. I mean, I have knows sixteen year olds who drink and drive, get in wrecks and are still on the roads today.
My family and I tried every loophole we and others around us could begin to imagine. We called the DMV's in both Illinois and Missouri, we tried to change my residency, we called our senators- all to no avail.
The whole situation just seemed so hopeless, I finally just gave in and decided to stop fighting it. It was a losing battle. Illinois Vehicle Code 11-601(b) clearly states, "No person may drive a vehicle upon any highway of this State at a speed which is greater than the applicable statutory maximum speed limit." I mean, I definitely went 15 miles per hour over the speed limit both times I was pulled over, even though the second time was a definite and unfortunate mistake. That didn't really matter to the state. There isn't a clause called Illinois Vehicle Code 11-601(b.1) that says that this law is only applicable if the person was malicious in their actions. No doubt about it, I was caught and I was hopelessly stranded in my apartment without my license.
At that moment, my friends seemed to just come out of the woodwork. For over a month I never had to worry about how I would get to work or whether or not I would be able to get groceries. I only needed to call someone and they would be there.
Finally, when a close friend came to pick me up from work one day, I sat down in their car and began to cry. I told him that I had finally completely realized that I can't get anywhere on my own. If they didn't come get me, I would be stuck in the same place. But worse than that, I realized that I would never be able to pay them back. They had not only sacrificed gas to take me places, but their time and their energy that could be used in ways that would be much more productive to them. I could never give that back to them.
Once, I received a letter that told me that I was going to die. For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the law, deceived me, and through the law, put me to death (Romans 7:11). This, I believed, was completely unfair. I had, after all, done few things really wrong in my entire life. Compared to others, I was a saint. All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away (Isaiah 64:6). Starting this year, I tried every single loophole, even trying to deny God's existence, just to get away from the fact that I would have to answer for breaking this law. Unfortunately for me, denying that God exists doesn't mean that he disappears, and the law still stands. ...but you must not eat from the tree of the knowlege of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die (Genesis 2:17). There's no clause in the Garden of Eden. God offered no statement to comfort those of us who would use our own intentions as a crutch to limp into heaven. I was caught in a hopeless spiral of my sin and I couldn't pull myself out.
Funny thing about Jesus: he has no need to find a loophole in the law. I'm reminded of the movie "The Passion of the Christ" when Jesus is laying on the ground, the cross only a few feet away from Him, when He, with what little strength He can muster, crawls to it and lays Himself down on it. I also see Aslan, climbing the staircase to the Great Stone Table, where a witch with a dagger stands waiting for him. Jesus doens't find a loophole, but lays Himself down on the cross to pay the price for my sin.
If Jesus hadn't crawled those few feet, if He hadn't walked that staircase, I wouldn't be able to get anywhere. I would be stuck in the same place, trying to drag myself out of a blackhole of sin that would lead me straight back to death. And I can't ever pay him back. And, yet, he doesn't expect me to. He died knowing that I would fail and I would fall. He died knowing that I was much like Gomer, Hosea's wife, and that I would not only cheat on Him, but despise the price that He paid because I would always be indebted to Him. He died knowing that this summer I would deny him many more times than three. Even today, he calls out, "Kasey Bartley, daughter of Eve, do you love me?"
Yes, Lord. You know that I love you.
I will declare it from every rooftop. My Lord redeems. My Lord is my hope, salvation, love, peace, brother, father, lover, friend.
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